Sunday, April 26, 2015

How to make a horror film.

 Location.  A disused asylum is best, failing that a disused hospital, factory, old house, woods, shed, or even bus stop. As long as it's disused and creepy looking

 Plot. Not important, the filmiest excuse for your cast to be at the location will do.

 Cast.  Impossibly good looking youngster's for the victims and some older ugly old git for the baddie. It's important the the girls will get their tops off and jiggle their breasts frequently without any logical reason as often as possible.

 Camera.  You will need a half decent camera as you'll be filming in almost total darkness for the whole film (except the bits with the girls jiggling their breasts}

 Script.  Again not too important, but you will need the boys in the group arguing and fighting amongst themselves to show how tough they are and the girls need to scream constantly for any reason, except for the bits where they jiggle their breasts.

 Special effects.  Don't spend too much money on this (nobody else does) A few severed heads and hands are popular.  Lots of rubbish quality fake blood (note dried blood looks brown not bright red) A large knife and a chainsaw are essential.  Several torches to shine at the camera are also expected.

 Costume.  The boys should have tee shirt and jeans, the girls either shorts or short skirts and flimsy tops that they can take off easily.  Don't forget a silly costume for the baddie, a leather mask and apron perhaps?

 Oh yes did I mention the girls need to jiggle their breasts a lot???

 What you have above is the plot of just about 95% of all the low budget horror films I've ever seen.