Gordon Ramsays cake nightmare (sort of)

You've seen Gordon Ramsay's kitchen nightmares, well here's a new project for him.... Ramsay's cake nightmare!

I have a kind hearted neighbour, who knowing there's three blokes living alone (my two sons and myself) thinks we need mothering.  Her way of doing this is to make us cakes...... Well I use the word cake loosely.

Now I'm actually quite good in the kitchen, I can cook pretty much anything, I bake as well.  My Welsh cakes are stunning, and my shortbread melts in the mouth.  Sadly I can't say the same for my kind neighbour.
Her cakes fall loosely into two categories.  A. weird sponge cakes with a mix of strange flavors like strawberry jam and lemon icing, or B. fruit cakes.  The problem is for the most part both are inedible.

Now I hate to see food wasted but honestly I really can't eat these things, the sponge cakes are really dry/burnt on the outside and soggy in the middle (cooked too hot), add in the odd flavors and they are revolting.   The fruit cake on the other hand are often so hard we can't cut them, seriously!   I've blunted a good bread knife on them. Honestly if the army test these Chobbam armours are out of business, bung a layer of these cakes over the outside of a tank and it'll stand a direct his from anything.