Thursday, February 22, 2018

Make your own war film!


 Step one.
 Make a WW2 war film!   WW1 films mean digging trenches and lots of mud, anything from the middle east means going somewhere sunny like Spain and that costs money.

 Location.
 Just about anywhere will do, don't worry that your location looks nothing like the actual place your supposed to be, hardly anybody bothers to make it look right.

 Plot.
 This is dead easy.  Small group of soldiers behind the German front lines just after D-day is a popular one. Any reason will do, they are lost, or looking for the secret German nuclear bomb, or zombie Germans... Honestly anything will do, the dafter the better.

 Costumes.
 Ok, you have to be careful here, uniforms are expensive and they get ruined easily. Best bet is buy anything you can find in the Sunday market. Don't worry if they don't match hardly anybody knows soldiers are issued with matching uniforms.

 Weapons.
 This is one where you can save a ton of money. Don't hire expensive blank firing replicas, and the loads of expensive ammunition to go with them. Just rent the plastic or rubber "prop" versions.  Ok these don't actually fire but if your actors "shake" the guns and shout bang very loudly nobody will notice (every other war films does it)
 You can add a HUGE muzzle flash when you get the Chinese CGI company to add the other effects like explosions. Again don't worry that the real guns made hardly any actually muzzle flash, the punters wont know.

 Actors.
 This is dead easy.  All you need is your mates from the pub, a few fishing friends and the wife's brother as he speaks a few words of German.  Oh and most important of all, remember to have the squad leader a grizzled old veteran in his 60's.  Ignore the fact that the squad leader would actually have been about 23. Every other war film gets away with it, why shouldn't you?

Military advisor.
Don't bother, spend the money down the pub.  So you get a few things wrong, like the uniforms, the weapons, the location, the way the soldiers move, the food, the explosions, the wrong tanks.

Nobody cares.... because no buggers going to watch it anyway, cause it's shit! Like all the other low budget war films.....






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